Footprints in the sand

Naughty girl

2007-05-11T01:50:00.000+08:00

Everytime I go on a holiday, I'll do something really naughty....

Actually not that naughty, just breathing new life into this baby...

On a deeper level, to me, butterflies not only represent beauty and freedom, they symbolize a transition of some sort.

Like moving on from the past, making and accepting changes, and of course, embracing new beginnings.

It's like re-birth. And I'm lovin it.

Weird mood

2007-04-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

I'm in a very weird mood these days. I say weird cos I have absolutely no idea what I feel exactly. I'm neither angry. Nor am I sad. I can't determine if I'm happy either.

But what I do know, is that my ability to tolerate people has been reduced to almost nothing. Not just limited to dumb people anymore.

Was supposed to meet a fren for lunch today. Don't know her too well but wanted to catch up and see how things were with her. Since we kept saying we'll meet up anyways and not to mention how much we supposedly missed each other.

So we confirmed the meeting time and place yesterday evening. I cancelled all my appointments just so i could meet her.

Today she decided to cancel, two hrs after i called her to re-confirm. Well, not exactly "cancel", to be exact, she said if i didn't hear from her by noon, I was to assume that she couldn't make it. All this was done via SMS cos she was in a meeting and couldn't pick up the phone.

I had booked a table for two at a restaurant but told her it was all cool and met another friend for lunch. Shortly after, she texted me an apology.

Then we arranged to meet this evening. And because of that, I thought it'll be easier if I worked late from the office and met her right after that.

So 45 mins before our meeting time, she texted me and said she was still running errands and asked if i still wanted to meet.

I said i was in the office and asked what time she'll be done. No reply.

I left the office 35 mins later and texted her, asking if we are still meeting up. No reply.

15 mins later i texted her and assumed we were not meeting up. No reply.

3 hours has passed and i still haven't gotten a reply.

But I am not pissed. Although if I was, I'd probably feel much better.

Eventhough i would have preferred to know earlier, so I could work late in the comfort of my own home instead.

Besides, this is not the first time she has done this. There were 3 other incidents which almost always, is followed by an apologetic text message.

And well, coincidentally, its not the first time i have deleted people off my phone book or MSN list either. That makes a grand total of two people out of my life this week. And its not even mid-week!

Keep counting folks - I love spring cleaning!

I don't know why but deleting people off makes me feel like i have "removed" them from my life completely. And in some sick, distorted way it gives me immense pleasure. Like sort of having the upper hand - meaning I kick your ass out, not the other way round. Woooooooohoooooo!

It also means that I am not filing things away in some corner of my brain to deal with later. These morons are privileged enough to jump the queue and go straight to the fuckin recycle bin. Awesome. Zero baggage is what I always strive for.

Oh did I mention peace of mind too? Perfect, just what i need.

P.S : Do you think I'm PMSing? Though at this moment, its highly impossible.

UPDATE : She texted me an hour ago saying she was on the road and couldn't reply. I was very nice and chose not to reply, eventhough it took a lot of restrain on my part not to ask her if she has reached KL yet. For the benefit of my international readers, Kuala Lumpur (KL) which is the capital of Malaysia, is about 3 hours drive from Singapore.

Surfacing

2007-03-31T00:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I'm amazed at how I'm able to turn my feelings on or off in a split second. An outsider looking in would have wondered how something small and harmless could be so damaging.

Collectively, all the little things that initially didn't seem to matter, starts to surface. Oh, why am I not surprised?

In a funny way, its like poison spreading so fast, there's nothing you can do except wait to wither and die. Mind you, this one doesn't come with an antidote.

I remember him comparing me to a light switch. And he had wondered if i was really that mechanical. Another one had described my heart as "that cold hard lump".

Maybe they're both right. I am that mechanical. I am that cold-hearted.

I can throw people out of my life whenever I deem fit. And never regret it one bit.

Well, maybe just that once. Out of the coldness of my heart, I think he's my only regret.

The worst thing about this is, I cannot change how I feel. In fact, try as I might, I cannot pretend to feel otherwise. How is it that I am consumed by so many emotions and yet feel so empty?

Its that wall I have unconsciously built between us. Something I have rooted so deeply, I cannot undo it.

I know he doesn't understand why. But in time to come, he will.

Just that it'll be too late for anything.

My New Home

2007-03-23T00:39:00.000+08:00

So after weeks of housing hunting, this is it. We finally found it.

The moment I stepped in, deep inside my heart, I knew I had found home.

The unit's very well furnished, tastefully renovated and everything we ever need is available. It's like a dream come true.

I nearly cried tears of joy when our agent got back to us with the signed tenancy agreement. I know we can never get anything better than this in town.

So i thank God for lending me His wisdom to exercise my patience. Indeed it is a virtue. The things that come to us when we wait. Sigh.

Yes my darlings - finally a place to have all our barbecues and parties.
My first housewarming will most likely be in May after I get back from my worldly travels so till then...

Lousy Weekend

2007-03-18T17:49:00.000+08:00

So i decided to go out with an old friend last night. Someone I don't actually like that much but I was bored out of my mind and thought why the hell not? Since hanging out with him is convenient anyway.

Besides, he was dying to go out with me. So I thought I'll put the bugger out of his misery once and for all.

So we hung out at One Rochester, a cool chill-out gastrobar in a bungalow-type setting. We were out in The Garden, close to oh-so-beautiful nature and the water fountains, sipping cocktails...but that was it.

The beginning of an end.

For i cannot, i repeat, i CANNOT, hold a decent conversation with this guy. I believe any attempt to construct one, requires massive efforts on his part, especially for a guy with little contents in his brain. I wasn't at all amused by his lame antics.

And i've got to say, after 5 years, he hasn't changed at all. So maybe he's driving a better car now, but seriously that doesn't impress me much. And fancy asking the waiters for r&b music in a chillout place! And the justification he gave?

"Oh my income tax money is paying for this".

Can you believe that shit? Fucking moron.

I had wanted to dig a hole and bury myself in it just to save myself from embarrassment. Indeed, I had given him too much credit. Old friends really should just remain in the past.

And as I sat at the bar later on, I realized how I was making mental comparisons of old friend with "him". After going out with him too many times, I realize that my expectations of men has grown considerably. I am so used to him and his gentlemanly ways that I think he has spoilt the market.

Geez, now I can't even tolerate dumb people. I think cleaning out my closet the last couple of weeks says a lot.

Anyways, everything's in a whirlwind at the moment. The whole house hunting thing is taking a toll on me. I've told my mom my plans to move out and am relieved she's cool with it. I know I can never leave home without her blessings.

And i also need to fall in love with work again. I've been slacking like nobody's business. Taking things for granted, whining about things that don't matter. Really need to stop sweating the small stuff.

And it doesn't help that I'm suffering from him-withdrawal syndrome. Must see him.

No. NEED to see him.

Oh peace, come sit with me.

Note to the mediacorp ass

2007-03-12T17:51:00.000+08:00

Someone from Mediacorp TV12 needs to stop reading my blog.

You know who you are and you know I know who you are.

So stop being an ass and get some real work done already. Or go read somethin more useful like "How to treat your best friend right". Because we all know you need some lessons on that one.

Do you really want me to go on about that? Or about how you made us all digusted in Cambodia with your fuckin childish behaviour? I don't think so.

So stop reading my blog mate. Cos I have no interest in your life and likewise you should respect other people's privacy especially when you have not been given the permissions to access this blog.

For the last time, stop reading my blog.

Because if you don't, chances are the next time I see you, I am gonna kick your ass.

Not because I like saying it, but because i can.

To the rest of the world - have a good one.

I really cannot wait

2007-03-08T15:09:00.000+08:00

So we went around and looked at apartments today. Saw one in town and the place is in good condition. Am still trying to negotiate rent with the landlord.

Seriously keepin fingers crossed and hopin she'll agree with my proposed rent. We are in the midst of a real estate bubble now and prices are so bloody ridiculous.

I can barely sit still now at the thought of having my own place and doing whatever I want. I think I'm gonna be drunk half the time. I can imagine having the "fantastic four" over for our girly parties. And of course me and the best friend sharing a bottle of pinotage.

There's already a long list of things we want to buy and plans on how to do up the place. I'm even thinking of askin Ell, my interior designer friend, for ideas on the look and feel. I need something real cosy and the Landlord did say feel free to do whatever I want.

If i really live there, it'll be two stops to work or if I'm feeling healthy I can make an attempt to walk. Highly possible. And if I feel like a beer, I can just walk down to the nearby stretch of pubs. Whoopee!

I really can't wait till June....

Oh btw, classic lines of today.

"....Go marry a super rich guy and bribe him with your cunt or something cos you have nothing to speak of and will never ever make it on your own...".

"....please, please just stop talking...I can buy you and your whole family....". *waves hand at waitress*

"...you have zero substance...." *blink blink*

My god. Don't know where the hell he comes up with stuff like that.

Thanks darlin. You're too funny.

I am still laughing my ass off.

Clarity

2007-03-07T14:37:00.000+08:00

I had envisioned crying myself to sleep last night for all the trauma I went through in the day. But surprisingly I did not.

In fact, I recovered rather quickly. Maybe because he was there to cheer me up. Dinner had been wonderful and I really must take my hat off to him for being able to take my mind off my troubles.

On a serious note, I can't believe a best friend I love and care about could go to the extent of saying such hurtful things about me in a public blog. What started off as a harmless expression of my feelings, has escalated to this. I can't believe she's vicious enough to pull such a cheap shot to intentionally want to cause me pain.

I know that I can stoop to her level and be as immature as to shoot my mouth off, causing even more extensive damage than this, but the end result is only going to embarrass both of us further. Besides, I'm not that poisonous.

She has opened up a can of worms - one that is never going to be closed.

I'm a firm believer that whenever the same things happen twice in my life, it is because i did not learn the lesson I was meant to, the first time.

That maybe we were not meant to be friends, after our first major fight. But somehow I tried, thinking it was going to be alright.

Maybe I thought our friendship ran much deeper than that. That after all these years, she had forgiven me. Obviously, I was wrong. Cos she keeps throwing the past in my face. Time and time again. And i had quietly taken it.

Maybe out of guilt for the things I have done. Eventhough the circumstances then was beyond my control. Eventhough it wasn't my fault alone.

But not this time.

Cos I think I have paid enough for my mistake. And she is not God to punish me over and over again.

As with most things, I said a prayer last night and asked God for clarity. His message seemed clear enough. I woke up today knowing in my heart I was no longer feeling down.

There is a wise saying "you gain some, you lose some". I know who I have chosen and what I've gained. And I don't think I've lost anything worth keeping.

Reckless

2007-03-04T20:19:00.000+08:00

I had initially thought a retaliation to that stupid entry of hers, would be superb. How I was planning to criticize her lack of originality for lifting off the contents of my blog and claiming it to be hers.

And go as far as suggesting that she should go back to school and learn how to blog with proper grammar usage or somethin, but then I thought, what exactly is the point of all this?

A battle of the blogs?

Especially when it didn't even make me angry one bit. She's so vindictive and tries so hard to get even - its funny. And all that embellished stuff about me "mailing" her xmas gift...I am really amazed at the extent of her hallucinations.

In any case, I had already told her the easy way to fix this is to meet up and thrash things out. So I don't know who is the one without the fucking guts. If she doesn't want to make things better, then I will not try.

Cos arguing with her is like trying to move a brick wall with your forehead. Only the wall ain't moving but your forehead's screwed. I seriously cannot be arsed.

Was out partying the whole of last night, club-hoppin with a bunch of happening people and got really really sloshed. Got home this afternoon and even now I'm still in cloud nine.

Still thinking of how we ended up kissing, me and the complete stranger. Thinking of the nice ride in his sports car and how I felt so alive in it, wind running through my hair. Cool breeze against my warm skin.

Thinking of his cosy place in town and how I wished I lived there instead. It is really wonderful to have abundant wealth. Oh, how I love the life of the rich and beautiful.

But when I left this afternoon, I couldn't see myself back there with him again. Earlier, I had sensed he was smitten and wanted something more, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to go any further. I had left my heart somewhere else.

It's been sometime since I felt this reckless. Drinking in abandon. Hitting one party after another. Throwing caution to the wind.

Living just for the moment.

Hopefully when i wake up, he'll be gone. Just like all the alcohol.

I don't think I can handle any more complications.

The sandwich

2007-03-02T19:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i think I'm crazy.

I don't tell anyone how I feel and I expect them to know. It's as though i think transparent thoughts and they, my good friends, are supposed to be able to see it.

Like how my friend did not celebrate my birthday back in bangkok and I got mad. But I did not tell her. I chose to tell her I was ok and then displayed a completely different body language. And when she asked again whether I was ok, I said yes and then yelled at her.

I am a master at the "sandwich theory" - where I paint a completely different picture of how I actually feel, and then, give the subtlest hint as to what might be going on. And later, cover it up with another round of bullshit.

Sweet. Would you like to get to know me?

And till today, I still haven't received my xmas gift from my best fren. She doesn't know its important to me that gifts must be given on time. That not making an effort to meet me for the last three months, says a lot of things. That maybe, I'm no longer important to her. That it bugged me when she said a complete stranger spoke to me more often then she did. But I did not tell her.

And now I feel a little bit angry, cos after being friends for so long, I ask myself how can she not know? You don't know a person for 7 years so you can "spell" things out for them right? It's ridiculous.

And then there's work. Every single day, its so bloody hard to get out of bed. So hard to focus on anything important. So hard to get anything done. And I'm so deluded as to think that by knockin back a pill and sleeping my whole weekend, I'll be ok. Or by moping around, things will get better by itself. Well fuck me, who am I kidding?

And there's so many other things, only worthless to mention - for i really cannot be arsed.

Prisoner of my mind

2007-02-23T10:11:00.000+08:00

So my other best friend visited M.A last evening and told me she was off the mark. The only one to say so among many others. And despite others who didn't agree, I had found solace in her words.

Nothing can describe the immense relief I feel at this moment.

Any attempt to exemplify how I feel would fail miserably. Any attempts to verbalize, would simply be a gross understatement.

For the first time last night, I fell asleep...at peace with myself. He wasn't the last thing on my mind.

And I realized I have been a prisoner of my own mind. How i have set boundaries for myself without realizing it. How silly.

Nevertheless, I feel so light now. Its as though someone has lifted off this huge boulder that had been sitting on my shoulders.

I have also decided to go back on my 10-week PT programme. Maybe this time I really am gonna look hot in that bikini.

Falling

2007-02-21T19:38:00.000+08:00

Its amazing how I can swivel from feelings of love and hate. Back and forth. And again, back and forth, like a good old pendulum.

Only its me I'm talking about. And I'm fuckin giddy from all that swinging.

We'll be on the phone for hours or havin coffee, and I'm totally cool at first. Fascinating conversation. A heated debate. Lots of laughter. Easy.

But the moment I get off or reach home, I start to ponder over the things he said.

And then I'll get really really mad. Mad like I wanna rip-his-throat-off kinda thing. And i'm just short of grabbing my phone to abuse him.

But I never get round to that. Maybe not yet.

And I'd just fall asleep feeling really angry. Clutching my pillows and thinking of how much I hate him. Like how did i even imagine that I was in love with him to begin with. And how I never ever want to see him or talk to him again.

And I'll wake up the next day. Still a bit furious. Still plotting his murder.

And then...I get an sms. A very charming one.

And I pretend not to be amused. I try extremely hard i tell you!

But almost instantaneously, I feel the beginning of a smile. And as if to agonize me further, i feel it spread slowly across my face. And un-furrow my clenched eyebrows. And I feel the warmth of a flush on my cheeks.

All these, against my will of steel.

Its like the raging storm brewing inside of me, never took place. Its as though the sun has awakened from its deep slumber...brightening my day.

Nope, I haven't been drinking.

I'm just meandering by, aimlessly. Falling...in and out of love with him. Currently out of love, as I speak.

Please wake me up when December comes.

The End

2007-02-16T10:53:00.000+08:00

When we met last night, I had asked myself how did I ever fail to see that what we have is indeed beautiful.

Two great friends sharing life over a cup of tea. Easy coversation and unpretentious laughter. Why did I allow anyone to influence me into thinking it should be more?

Eventhough there are times when I'm so tired of fighting for his time. And he, on the other hand, does the same.

Conclusion? We don't have the luxury of time at our feet. Not for anything other than this wonderful friendship.

Because at the end of the day, I realize I can't be with a man who constantly questions my faith and beliefs. We will never surpass the religion barrier. Not even in M.A's dreams.

Because I can't live my life being second-best. I can't live life constantly trying to live up to his expectations of another woman. i have to stay true to myself.

Because he's there - conveniently playing the role of someone available. And I'm here - toying with the idea of being in love. Just...not with him.

And when December comes, I'm going to walk into M.A's office, look her straight in the eye and say, "You are so so wrong".

Because I have decided. I don't want anything more.

Love

2007-02-14T16:22:00.000+08:00

I'm in love with love.

Not him.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

2007-02-08T17:16:00.000+08:00

I bought a book on Islam to accompany me on this trip. Maybe the reason why he's in my life is so I can get closer to my religion. Again.

And i doubt we'll ever get past the religion barrier. Not in my prophecy.

And I'm also unsure about the things I feel. But maybe while going away, it is a chance for me to find out.

After all, distance does make the heart grow fonder. We shall see.

Sleepless sunday

2007-02-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

Yes as you can tell it's a sleepless Sunday. I probably slept too much last night.

Went for a foot reflexology and massage last evening - which completely knocked me out. Woke up at 1am just to change into my sleepwear and continue sleeping.

I'm glad I did that cos I needed the sleep. There's too many things going on at the moment that I don't even know where to begin.

My gf called me from Hong Kong today and after 10 yrs, she has decided to give up on the man she loves. Its a sad thing to do, to realize that things don't work out after ten years.

Ten bloody years!

I didn't think I was in the position to advice, judge or criticize her for the decisions she's made, so all I did was listen. Because I knew that was all she needed. And I also know she's a strong woman - and that she'll be fine.

But the whole thing bothered me all the same.

How things can feel so right and you pine to be with someone you love, and in a moment, realize you made a mistake - and it all ends. Just like that.

And how your whole world crumbles - and you have no choice but to move on. And deal with your heartbreaks. And there's no bloody insurance for that.

It was a wake up call for me. To just snap out of it - and get freakin real.

Cos I don't need any emotional hang-ups. And I certainly don't need any heartbreaks.

No, thank you.

I'm flying out on Thursday. And right now, I just need to concentrate on packing. And nothing else.

Soup or Stew?

2007-02-02T00:54:00.000+08:00

Something is definitely brewing.

Problem is, I'm not too sure what exactly is on the stove. Is it my favourite pot of stew - or a soup masquerading as one?

And what more, after I've been told that its possibly going to be a stew, I don't really want it to be just a plain old soup.

You see? The cons of listening to other people - they not only impair your judgement, they make you dwell on unnecessary things. Sometimes, the impossible.

I'm now at the stage where I'm chopping the onions. And I still don't know what I'm cooking.

Should I gamble with some new ingredients, just for the fun of it? And break away from the conventional?

But what if I didn't like the taste? Could I go back and make myself a plain old soup? Or would it be too late?

And even now as my heart craves for a pot of stew, I'm thinking if its just easier to make a bloody soup. You know, save me from all the complications.

I really, really need to snap out of this - or I'm going to end up with a burnt kitchen.

Crossroads

2007-01-25T18:22:00.000+08:00

What would you do if you had to make a choice between your career and love? Which would you pick and why?

Taking into consideration the current situation I unfold before you.

Like knowing there's so many things changing in your organization and the best boss you've ever had in the whole wide world, tells you he's leaving. And there's the possibility that he wants to take you along.

And you WANT to go along.

Cos the new boss is a difficult man and you don't really want to work for him. Not in a million fuckin years. Even if thats the last available job on earth.

Basically, you're just short of telling him to go fuck himself.

And the notion of life in an exotic, foreign land bewitches you. A better salary. The likelihood of an expat package. Maybe even flight allowances for your friends.

Finally...the chance to satiate your restless soul.

Finally...the opportunity to break away from the mundane shackles of life.

Then on the other hand, you suddenly think of him. Because someone planted the idea of romance in your head. This man, who potentially, could be the love of your life.

And you sit down and you really... start to wonder.

That maybe, this is it. Your one shot at love. Maybe your last, in the next 5 years.

Since you finally found someone whom you can talk to about everything and anything under the sun. And your gut feel tells you he's not listening only because he wants you in his bed, he listens because he's genuinely interested in your life.

And you know it, because he doesn't fall asleep while on the phone with you. You know it, cos he remembers every single detail about you.

And he supports your goals, and you find it uncanny how you both think alike and share similar dreams.

And at the back of your mind, you start to weigh the possibility of executing that two-year plan.

Cos you know its the start of something deep and meaningful, but you just haven't found a name for it. And even if things don't work out, you know you'll be really good friends. Of course, after lots of yelling and tearing his hair out, that is if you haven't already driven him mad.

Point is, you are just not done with this guy yet. And long-distance relationships are seriously out of the question.

And of course there's the bunch of family and friends you love oh so deep-deep, but you know they're happy for you whatever your choice is.

So what would you do if you have to make a choice?

You have your cake. It's right there. In your face. But you can't eat it.

And its not long before you have to decide if you want to die from excess salivation, due to prolonged ogling at cake, or if you want to find something else to eat.

Oh, I am so talking to God. Tonight.

My two-year plan

2007-01-18T10:30:00.000+08:00

So before I hit 25 or 26, I planned for us to get our own studio. A small little cosy place close to town.

See Singapore real estate law allows any joint singles to purchase a private housing together. So it'll work out for both us.

But why joint singles, I hear you ask? Cos I don't think I want to marry him yet.

I'll have to make sure he has at least 50k in his CPF ordinary account, cos by that time I will, if not more. And not to mention cash savings too, for rainy days.

And both of us will have to earn 4.5k at the minimum so that we won't have to pay cash for the house. And more importantly, we won't have to curb our spending at all. Cos i have...errr...quite expensive taste.

Maybe part of it will go to our car, a very small one, cos I don't believe in driving here. If he wants to, he has to convince me first. And if he doesn't succeed, he'll just have to pay for it. And on top of that, drive me around.

I imagine us having our friends over on our weekends. We'll have a small wine cellar for me and the best friend. He has to learn how to appreciate wine. And know how to swim too, so he can teach me. I must look up to him in some way right?

And we must have a barbecue pit - I love organizing parties and all that stuff.

We have to have a nice kitchen with some sort of attached bar counter cos I love to cook. Why a bar counter? So he can have a beer every now and then. And watch me cook. Or even better, we'll cook together. Its good cos we won't have to spend too much eating out.

I can't clean for nuts - but I already know how to fix that. We'll just get a weekend maid to do our laundry and keep our house spick and span. And because i don't trust people easily, I already know someone who can do that.

And we'll both travel a fair bit, so we'll have time to miss each other. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. To be blunt, its just so that I won't get sick of him.

And at least when we return from our worldy travels, with our worn-out luggages and exotic experiences, it'll be to our own private sanctuary. A place we call home.

Nice plan huh?

Now all I need is a boyfriend.

I don't get it

2007-01-09T18:30:00.000+08:00

I don't get how some people can be real obstinate.

I'm talking abt doing the simplest things in the world like giving your postal address to someone. And not to a stranger, silly! To someone you call your best friend.

I just don't get it.

I'm supposed to be out of the office by now. But somehow I can't even move. I am still here.

Paralyzed.

Sitting here wondering what the hell is wrong with her.

During Xmas, two of my frens bought a gift for her. And its been sitting here, in my office for almost three weeks. Taking up space which is totally unnecessary.

And everytime I turn, I get a little pissed at how I have to move the goddamn bag containing the gifts just so I can reach for something. Does anyone know how fucking annoying that is? Especially when you're busy.

And for fucks sake, Xmas is over. The tree is coming down. Shouldn't the gifts go too? I am tempted to just squish the bag around with my foot but I can't do that to things that don't belong to me. Besides its not just her gift thats in there.

I don't have the time to meet her. I've been flat out with work and planning 101 things and going back to how my life used to be before I fell sick. Thats another story which I will tell another day. For now I've given my word to frens to help give it to her, then I should, shouldn't I? Since my word is my bond.

But no. She rather I gave the gifts back to my two frens and meet up with them herself since I am too busy to pass it to her.

You see? This moron doesn't know what busy means. Giving it back to the two frens would mean i have to make TWO separate trips to TWO different ppl and she has to meet them on TWO different occasions to receive the gifts. All that drama when I can quickly solve it by mailing it to her at ONE time.

Indians. Dunno what the hell is making them so cranky. Maybe its the masala. They really should stop eating it.

And for now I really should go. I'm busy remember?

Fucking hell.

Beginning

2006-12-26T17:51:00.000+08:00

Its probably the same feeling like driving my head through the wall. Only, I do not stop.

I continously keep banging, hoping to get through to the other side. Knowing that, even if I do, the results won't be as desirable as I imagine. Yet, I keep trying.

Its almost as if the collision isn't painful. I imagine my head to be bleeding, but instead I'm just feeling it all flow on the sides. Still fascinated with the other side of the wall.

I am again at this stage. Hallucinating.

Wanting the things I cannot have, but still I keep trying.

Knowing that I'll get hurt in the end but still I do not stop.

I never stop trying. So determined to have a beginning.

Eventhough its the beginning to an end.

Changes

2006-12-23T03:55:00.000+08:00

Some way or another - it must have started from the day I decided to lose weight.

I must have gotten so busy to a point where I stopped realizing that my best friend has neglected me.

Or maybe I have always been the sort to notice that something is wrong but instead, choose to file it away in a "to-deal-with-at-some-point-in-my-life" file located at the back of my brains. Until, of course, some alarm screeches out an emergency "fuckin deal with it now, you moron" siren, equivalent to a hard knocking, that things seem a little bit clearer.

And suddenly, as if to torment me further, quite coincidentally the central processing unit of my brain, churns out a series of data that might actually be relevant.

Like how we're having dinner one day and somehow I sense there's some agitation brewing, but have absolutely no idea where its coming from and why, but pretend eveything is ok. Maybe she didn't like my spaghetti-fuckin marinara?

Like how we were in the kitchen and ran out of things to say - and suddenly its gets a little bit awkward. And I think to myself, "Its the fucking Kitchen! You don't run out of things to say in the Kitchen. Nobody ever wants to get out of the Kitchen!".

Like how I'll call her and ask her out on countless occasions. To swim. To train for a run. To jog. To have dinner. To do stuff. And it's always "I'm busy", "I'm lazy" and "See how" which almost always is followed by an sms saying "Sorry, don't think so I'm going". And finally the last few standard replies which was "No thanks, you carry on".

Then one fine day, like it was a perfectly ok thing to do, I just stopped calling.

And how everyone will pat me on the back bcos I've lost so much weight and supports me in my I-want-to-be-healthy regime but then one Miss-I-Don't-Know-her-name says "You're still fat". And then suddenly the best friend grabs an opportunity to participate and lashes out saying "Isn't going to the gym a waste of time - cos Miss-you-don't-know says you're still fat". Or the one funny time we had a conversation and she said, "Are you turning into a bimbo?". There were a lot of things I could have said to hurt her feelings but as usual, I was quite adept at hiding my own.

Like how I want to call her, but have absolutely nothing to say. What exactly do you say to someone who has nothing nice to say to you? I mean, naturally, you just stop talking, right?

Like how I no longer know whats happening in her life and choose to read her blog instead to find out if she's alive. And of course, to also incidentally discover she had time for other people in her life. Be it jogging, having dinner, watching movies, shopping, etc. But instead, I chose to convince myself the best friend is "busy".

Like how I once imagined she bitched about me on her blog - and she said she didn't. But i still think she did.

Like how I notice that my name's no longer mentioned in her blog entries because likewise she probably has nothing to say about me. Or maybe she did but i just couldn't see them. Who knows right?

And then once, a common friend of ours called to ask her how she was doing, but she didn't answer her mobile. Later on, common friend got an sms from her asking "What do you want?" to which common friend smses a reply "I just called to say hi". To which there wasn't any reply. Ever. Common friend was very upset firstly bcos she's a sensitive soul that gets bruised easily but more importantly it was the degree of rudeness from the best friend, that was appalling. But of course, common friend never said a word, because she's a kind soul and is quite adverse to conflicts.

Then one fine day I realized, she deleted me from her MSN. So finally, *drum rolls* yours truly got a little bit upset. Breathe a sigh of relief, my dear readers, cos finally, you can be sure that I am quite human and my heart was bleeding.

So from then on, I became quite distant. There was something wrong with our friendship but I wasn't going to come out and say it. After all it was pretty obvious i wasn't the one who had problems. Bcos I wasn't the one who was always busy. I wasn't the one who was snapping all the time.

But I know I must have contributed to this in some way. I had to be accountable. After all, it takes two to tango.

So I seeked advice from a couple of friends to confirm this.

My other funny best friend said the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. "The best friend is possessed! What else could it be!" On the other hand, the science-influenced serious sibling said "She's permanently PMSing. No one will ever know why".

The common friend then said something sensible, "Do you realize this happens whenever you both get too busy? Or maybe something happened and she decided to drift apart from you? I, of course, had no answers to that, and got even more confused.

A colleague of mine too said, "Maybe its work or maybe she's going through a phase".

I don't know which of this was true. But something was beginning to take shape in front of me. Something I dreaded for the longest time.

That maybe. Maybe it was time...for us to go on our separate ways.

We had simply... outgrown each other. We stopped spending time together. We were no longer seeing things the same way. No longer have the same habits. We grew less tolerant of one another. We stopped talking. We SIMPLY stopped caring. And we were perfectly fine with all that.

After all, it wasn't new to both of us to throw away old friends out of our lives. Just like old skin, shedding in place for a new one. Why didn't I think that it could happen to us? Silly me.

From then on I became convinced that it was no longer just a possibility. It was reality. And it was perfectly normal.

I just needed to learn how to let go.

My friends were surprised when i bought her a gift for christmas. Maybe they thought I was mad at her. But I was never. She's still a friend to me, no matter what idiosyncracies she has. I don't know if I will ever find out the answers to her weird behaviour. What amazes me at this point is how I don't actually care to know.

Oh, fuck it. Cos it doesn't really matter.

Neither have I stripped her off the title "best friend" like she easily did of me. Maybe soon. Bcos its 4am now and I need to think of the procedures involved in that matter. Too many complications at the moment. Or maybe when I've fully recovered. And in possession once again, of my fuckin drugged mind. Cos its not that easy for me to completely "disconnect" a best friend right now. Not when I'm pretty much "disconnected" myself. But to help me, I have deleted her off my MSN list, but not blocked her. I don't think I ever will.

But I also know the time will come when I may even stop reading her blog. And I imagine, when we bump into each other, we'll exchange polite hellos and smile awkward smiles. And go on our own ways. Our conversations at parties will get shorter and more formal - no longer as interested in each other's lives. No longer in each other's lives. Maybe we won't even attend the same parties anymore to avoid feeling awkward. Eventually, the invitations may even stop as we make room for newer, more important people in our lives, while the old ones silently fade in the background. Slowly but surely.

And I'll live for that day to come.

A distance

2006-12-02T00:40:00.000+08:00

There were only two of us left. And i knew I had to leave.

I could no longer sit in the same room with him anymore. Breathing the same air. Not without becoming very aware of his every move, which I found extremely disturbing.

So I was abrupt and kept my distance. Somehow it made me feel safe.

That maybe, i'm not so insane after all.

Strangers

2006-11-29T16:46:00.000+08:00

Why is it that sometimes strangers seem like our own?

And our own...seem like strangers.

Just one of those days

2006-11-23T01:02:00.000+08:00

Today's one of those days when I just wanna sit down and cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And talk to God.

Attractiveness / Relationship scale

2006-10-17T17:18:00.000+08:00

Discuss.

Bitter

2006-08-29T15:40:00.000+08:00

As I drank my black coffee I was hoping that the bitter taste would console me. But it did not.

That maybe there could be something more distasteful than my life right now. I couldn't be more wrong.

For how can there be anything more agonizing? I cannot feel any more pain than this. Yet, I cannot stop hurting.

And it does not erase the fact that my life is as shitty as I think it is. And I am as empty as I think I am.

What could be worse than living this life? What could be worse when you know whats in store for you and you can do nothing - but wait?

Questions. I've got so many questions. But thats not the problem.

The problem is the answer. The answer that I will have to wait for.
And every day it kills me - just a little bit more.

Alone I break

2006-08-23T00:45:00.000+08:00

It is freaky how it is human nature to want to reach out to other people.
After so long.

So many years - have i forgotten what its like? To let my guard down. Just a little bit.

After all that running away. I'm so tired.

After building all those walls, they're finally closing in on me. I am alone.

And I don't want to be. Not anymore.

Changes

2006-05-18T00:42:00.000+08:00

I know I have not blogged for the longest time. Forgive me - for I have been too preoccupied to trace back all my footprints.

So many things have happened. Of course nothing major like someone dying or anything to that effect - but in general CHANGES.

Changes in my life. Changes in my train of thoughts. In my fiery temperament. Most importantly, my lifestyle.

So many changes that if i were to take a step back and try and recap, i would not have known how I ended up there in the first place.

Just how did I quit smoking? Or let me rephrase the famous question - how do i survive NOT smoking?

What got into me that I ended up going to the gym? Where is that part of me which hates sweating it out?

I could never handle body massages - i never liked strangers touching me. Now I'm a fan of Aroma body massages and body scrubs. This weekend I'm trying out a sugar scrub and maybe afters I'll tell you all about it.

Suddenly, my favourite colour black isn't my favourite anymore. Don't ask me how I discovered white. And red and brown. Or gold. Did I mention Pink already?

I wear my hair short now, with bangs framing my face. Time travel back to last year and I would have beaten myself up. It has always been "My curls, my curls, my lovely luvly...curls - check it out". (sing to "My Humps" by Black Eyed Peas).

I now say "please" and "thank you" but not because Nanny McPhee cast a spell on me. Because being polite feels good.

And being kind and friendly too. Like chatting with taxi drivers every morning. And doing a favour for the office cleaning lady because it'll make her day.

And beginning my day with a smile. I've also officially passed the "Grouch" title to someone else.

I don't just drink wine - I am now on my way to becoming a wine connoisseur. Not because its stylish or posh - knowledge is power.

I am into palmistry and I would love to read your palmprint for free. Simply bcos i'm quite tired of staring at my own palm and those of my friends.

I am into gadgets and though I'm not a certified techie, sometimes you'll wonder if i'm really a woman.

I have always endorsed a UK education but now I'm considering finishing up my degree in an Australian University.

One of the biggest dreams that I am close to today - is swimming. I am currently learning and am no longer as afraid of the waters as I used to be. A bit more history on this one.

I frequently have dreams of swimming. Sometimes I'll be a professional swimmer and I'll be freely swimming in strokes that I'm totally clueless about. Sometimes the dream's a bit more tricky - I'll be stranded somewhere and in order to survive, I'll have to tread on a rope across the water that bridges another island.

My dreams were always so vivid and accompanied by the fear of drowning, I had all these years recognized it as a phobia of swimming. But little did I know it was in fact my sub-conscious desire to swim, that brought about those dreams.

Today I am able to float and "trap water" (as the best friend puts it) and I feel closer to swimming than I have ever been in my life.

There are many more changes I would love to rattle off my head but its more than slightly past midnight and I can't do without my sleep. Since when? God knows.

So many changes over a short period of time that I am quite frightened of the person I have become. Just who is she?

She, who has swept me off my feet and taken me by storm.

She, who has accomplished things in months - things the old me couldn't do in years.

She, who is taking control of my life - getting me into shape and kicking away my vices.

Is this a phase I'm going through? Just what are the dynamics behind these changes? To learn to be officially in love with - MYSELF?!

I don't know yet. I don't know why. But I do know I'm enjoying the ride - while it lasts.

Men and Breasts

2006-04-20T23:48:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder what is it with men and BREASTS?

I mean there's so many other parts of a woman to love but they seem to be interested only in breasts?

I'm speaking from experience - there are times when I am talking to a guy and I don't get eye contact cos he's real busy staring at my chest. I wonder why.

And a lot of dating channels have ads like "Interested in women - heavy top would be perfect".

Seriously - what's up with that?

Can someone explain? Cos I don't get it.

Psycho Behaviour

2006-04-05T14:43:00.000+08:00

I am feeling this all too familiar strain on my nerves.

This pounding rage i cannot comprehend. For there is no one I am angry with.

An emptiness I cannot describe for there is nothing there.

I feel so exhausted - but from what? I am not overworked.

I feel like bursting out into tears and I don't know why. Because I have no reason to be so upset.

My moods swings are like a pendulum, I can swivel to many extremes except the point of sanity.

And i feel like smoking so I can close my eyes and puff everything away. I can pretend everything is ok. But i am ok....

In times like this, all i can conclude is I'm suffering from PMS.

And then it all makes sense.

Nokia L'amour Song

2006-03-28T01:54:00.000+08:00

Has anyone heard the Nokia song that runs in the L'Amour ad?

If you haven't, check out the song.

Its a commercial track and it rocks. Been stuck in my head for a couple of days.

And now i'm thinking of buying one of the phones too. Out of the blue.

Very disturbing indeed.

I did not drop dead....

2006-03-20T00:15:00.000+08:00

Forgive me for I am SO guilty for not blogging for almost 2 weeks!

And sorry if anyone got upset that I didn't inform them I was gonna be away - I know someone did. :)

Well I have two good reasons for my disapperance from cyberspace, one - I was away in Penang for a holiday and another is a long story I'll share the next time round.

A bit about Penang - its a small island in Malaysia and it's more commonly known as "The Pearl of the Orient". The main reason I went to Penang was to attend a fren's wedding.

My best friend was supposed to go along but couldn't make it at the last minute so I had to travel by myself. Luckily I'm pretty used to travelling alone or I don't know how I would have survived the trip - what more with no proper plans in place at all.

I'm also quite lucky that I had booked myself a good hotel. I guess I somehow knew I was gonna spend a lot of time just lazing about.

This is The Gurney Resort where I stayed at.

Nice eh?

And as usual - i asked for a nice view.

And yea this time - they heard me right. :)

Check out the studio room I stayed in. Here's the amazing king size bed where I can roll from one end to the other and not piss anyone off.

The rooms comes with a nice little study by the side so I can surf the net or send someone a fax - but errr....I kinda sat there and ummmm....people watch...

A nice little couch to hang around and watch TV, plus a dining area too...

and not forgetting the nice bathroom with jacuzzi.

Ha - i had a nice time soaking in the steamy hot tub.

Eventhough Penang is a small island, it has a fair bit of attractions for sight-seeing. So i hired a tour guide at RM35 (USD10) per hour to show me some interesting sights.

I got to visit some lovely temples...

For some strange reason - this reminds me of the Royal Palace in Bangkok - everything is shiny, bright and gold...

there's even a reclining buddha...

Mr Tour Guide wanted to show me some gardens....

And after the second garden...i said NO! No more gardens! I am not a huge fan of nature....

So he took me to view some nice beaches instead...here's the famous Tanjung Beach where apparently lotsa tourists go to...

Penang Reservoir - where the main water supply is stored.

And he also took me to a fishing area hence the reason for many boats and a jetty.

Gurney Hotel was a good choice for it has a lot of clubs and restaurants nearby so at night I hung around in this club called Chillout.

It was pretty alright, with a local band playing all kinds of music. And I guess the vodkas and martinis i chugged down one after another helped immensely. :)

Gurney Plaza, the best shopping mall in Penang is a ten minutes walk from my hotel - so thats where I spent most of my time - shopping, dining, watching movies, getting a manicure, etc.

And along the way to Gurney Plaza, I saw a pretty house that looked out of place admist the neglected bushes and untrimmed tree branches...

Not that you can see much of it due to the high gates covering most of it and the fact that its almost hidden, but I dunno why i just felt I had to snap a picture of it. Go figure... :)

Penang in general is a bit disorganized to me - the public transportation system does not work, food and shopping at certain locations can be overpriced - and after a chat with a cabbie, I found out that the average local makes only RM1200 - 1500 a month (USD 350 - 420) which makes me wonder how they survive. Anyways, it was a pretty good break for me.

And I know I must have missed out on the action from so many other blogs - so now it's time to catch up! :)

Old friends

2006-03-06T00:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel old friends should remain in the past.

They should stay and be a part of my film-like memories. Memories of good times, fun-filled laughter and silly fights.

They should never come back. They should never bump into me. Or give me a call and make up some lousy excuses of why they disappeared. Or why we stopped talking. Or even try to rekindle a relationship that is lost. Its so much better that way.

Because most of the time, the common ground shared, is gone. Too many changes. Too much difference between us.

Because the bond etched in our hearts, has long weathered by itself. Too much time has gone by. Too many things have happened.

Because its awkward to sit across each other and think of something to say. Too much space in between. Too familiar with the heavy silence.

Because its so exhausting to keep reminiscing events in the past. Because we no longer have a place for each other in the present.

And we are now like strangers. No longer the same people we used to be.

And i too, have new best friends now.

Flutter

2006-03-02T00:50:00.000+08:00

Our eyes met over the counter. And turned into a gaze too long for comfort.

I looked away and slowly looked back again.

And for the first time, I saw him smile.

The kind of smile that turned the corners of his lips every so slightly, deepening the dimples on his cheeks.

And i watched mesmerized. For he does not know the effect he has on me.

His intensity. His laughter. His mood swings. His scent. Everything about him intoxicates me.

For the second time this week, I felt my heart flutter. And that is always a sign.

Shock

2006-03-01T00:53:00.000+08:00

When i stepped outside, i thought he was going to say those words i dread. I'm not sure why but the idea of something unusual happening today, seemed tangible.

It was in the air. I could always tell when something was brewing.

Maybe he knows i'm bored with my work.

Maybe he thinks i'm over-qualified for this job.

Maybe its written all over my face.

Maybe. Tons of 'maybes' danced around in my head like crazy elves around a bonfire.

But nothing, nothing prepared me for what came next. A shock.

What? A pay raise?

My boss gave me a pay raise - and a good one too!

I had stared at him in pure disbelief as he summarized my achievements, all the while bobbing his head up and down in reassurance.

And as i walked back to my desk, i thought, if he's paying me good money to do less work, sometimes no work - in general, very little work, then thats simply awesome right?

I get to eat out more in fancy restaurants, shop for more clothes and shoes, buy more novels, go on more holidays and err....save more money?

No, I'm not complaining. Not this time.

And even now, I still can't stop smiling. :)

Bloodsuckers

2006-02-21T15:54:00.000+08:00

Do you have any friends who call you up and continue talking even after you mention that you are on the other line?

Oh, tell me about it. Cos my sister (herein termed "Bloodsucker") is one of them.

Yesterday I was talking to a client on the phone when Bloodsucker called. Before you ask me why i chose to answer her call in the first place, let me tell you. From previous experience, if i didn't pick up her call or if I cancelled it, she'd call me again and again.

So I told my client to hold on the line, answered the call on my mobile and immediately said, "I'm on the other line, i'll call you back".

That must have been lost somewhere admist her loud chattering, for she continued yabbering, this time trying to rush through whatever information she wanted to say, as though she was in some kinda earthquake and any minute the calamity might swallow her.

I listened for a bit. Nope, this can wait, i thought.

And i quickly said, "I really can't talk to you. Can i pls ca...?"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Silence.

She hung up even before I could finish!

What would you do if you were me?

Oh no, i didn't get angry. I continued talking to my client for the next 5 mins and then resumed work on my computer.

Soon a text message came in from Bloodsucker.

"If you want to buy item A from shop B, you can....ya-da ya-da ya-da"

Can anyone please tell me what was so important about that piece of information that it had to be communicated right there and then?

No, the shop was not going to close down. No, there wasn't any offers. Nothing of that sort. Basically it was information she could have told me a week after, and no lives would have been in danger.

So can someone, anyone, please enlighten me why that couldn't wait?

Being the typical person with amazingly slow reaction, I then saw RED.

With eyebrows furrowed deeply and a string of vulgarities as accompaniment, i composed a nice reply to Bloodsucker as shown.

Noted. Two things you need to take note.

1. If i say I'm busy or am on the other phone, please do not attempt to carry on the conversation.
2. This is related to Point 1. If you cannot understand that and need to hear me repeat that I'm unavailable, then i will gladly repeat that for you but please do not hang up the phone on me in a rude manner. It is not only annoying but it makes you look psycho too.

If you cannot adhere to my simple request, I urge you to refrain yourself from calling me. Thank you.

And during the journey home from work, I had re-read the message I sent and thought maybe I was a tad too harsh. I don't know, but stupid things like that simply drive me mad.

Especially when it was a poisonous monday and I've had too much to handle.

Oh. And i'm not going to apologize.

Choices

2006-02-16T17:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I don't know if I'm happy with my job.

Before anyone berates me for being lucky enough to have a job, i'd like to say that I do of course, realize that I am fortunate compared to starving people in Africa and am thankful that I'm not poor and do not have problems that come from being jobless.

I had talked about being overworked. I had talked about how I am much better off now. About how i can leave work on time. That is all true but to a certain extent I'm not sure if I'm really happier. I'm not sure if i'm really much better than before.

I am paid much more now but seriously I feel money does not always constitute career satisfaction. Many of you out there may disagree with me. For me, career satisfaction is not only derived from being paid my worth but also existing job challenges that will keep pushing me to the next level. To learn new things. And of course, to grow as a person.

But not this job.

No offence to other Administrators and Office Managers, but sometimes I feel I'm doing a no-brainer job. I'm supposed to manage the office - a new unstructured environment, putting in processes and new systems but most of the time i am just meandering by completing the most basic office duties.

My previous job had been an important position where I could make earth-shattering decisions. So how do I feel empowered to do my job when all i do each day is answer calls? Pay some bills. Order some stuff. Print and bind. Filing. Run errands. Repeat the whole process ten times. Can anybody understand how I feel?

And whenever I feel like this, the same old thing always comes to mind.

Before i left my previous job, I had gone to a wise old man to seek advice. I am calling him the wise old man cos he's like a fortune-teller and advisor.

Wise old man does not tell you anything which you do not ask. So even if he sees that you are going to die, he will not tell you that, unless you ask "Am i going to die?". Maybe its against the fortune telling laws, that only he knows. Lol.

And he too, will not tell you everything that he sees. And no, there isn't a crystal ball. Just some funny beads with strange inscriptions on it.

Well I know this sounds crazy and I know that many of you may not believe what I'm going to say - but he had been accurate. More than I care to admit.

In August last year I was supposed to meet a guy. I was very excited at the thought of meeting someone new in my life. That I got excited even one month before that.

August came and went. I did not meet anyone new.

On the 1st week of September, I got introduced to a guy by one of my friends. Later, i found out that this guy was supposed to visit Singapore in August, but he kept changing his flights so he ended up travelling to Singapore only in Sep. He was Mr August!

And there were many other things wise old man told me, like my health condition, my love life. Things only I knew. Things i had kept to myself.

So before I made plans to quit my job, I had gone to him about my job concerns. Twice. And each time he had told me the same thing. He said not to quit. He said I will find a job in March 2006. He said I should be patient.

At that time, unhappiness drove me to a point where I told myself that I could change fate. Even if what he said would come true. That I was the one who would decide where my life was going. And no one else.

He had told me to wait. I did not wait.

And sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice.

What goes around, comes around

2006-02-09T03:16:00.000+08:00

I hadn't been completely honest when I said I left my job because I was overworked.

Being overworked and stretched over normal limits are things I still consider bearable. But not pretentious backstabbers in the workplace. That i will not tolerate at all.

It was not long after she joined the company, that I began having trouble. She was part of my team and I had been assigned to coach her for the first 3 months. Things were ok at first. Her work was not that fantastic. Repeated careless mistakes that I closed one eye upon, only because I did not want to be difficult.

Then out of nowhere, she complained that she was overworked. Not to me when I was actually the one overseeing her work. But directly to my boss.

And before I knew it, I had to take on 50% of her workload. She left at 6pm everyday, while I struggled like a mad woman trying to meet deadlines, complete tons of paperwork, travel in and out of the country, etc. If you were in my shoes what would you have done?

My thoughts were at first filled with burning questions. Questions that desperately seeked answers.

Why did she do that to me? Was it because I was so much younger and more successful? Was it because she had an inferiority complex?

But I never got my answers. As time went by, there wasn't a need to. Cos her actions said it all.

I guess the worst part of it was having a boss who was not supportive. A boss who was not new to the company, yet couldn't at all understand the dynamics of my work. A boss who could not appreciate the 2 years I had contributed to the company.

So i had to bear the brunt of it all. And i continued slogging - in silence.

That was the worst period in my life. Ever. I was so demoralized that work eventually became a drag. But somehow I managed to drift by.

Until that very day. I saw a recommended review to adjust her salary to more than what I earned. That was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

I had never felt so much anger before. A pounding rage that drove me to a point where I wanted to hurt someone. Uncontrollable fury that I bit my lips unconsiously while sleeping. Imagine my horror when I woke up to find bleeding lips.

Oh believe me when I say that God has eyes.

A week later, I found a better paying job. I had initially found it hard to believe. I blasted out my resume only three days before. It was the only interview I ever attended. And unbelievably, i was on my way to greener pastures.

So why, after so long, am I baring my soul?

Cos today I met up with an ex-colleague. And I was told that she is currently suffering from depression. I have no idea what caused it but I had found it extremely disturbing.

All I can say is I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around.

I hate her. I cannot justify why, even when I'm so much better off now - but I still do. Even when I don't believe in carrying emotional baggage.

But i too, pity her. So i pray that she will be alright.

After all, I am only human.

Wisdom Teeth - Episode 2

2006-02-08T01:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what happened to that little girl I knew 15 years ago.

Oh, she had been such a brave soul, pulling out all her milk teeth on her own, while all other kids cried and got frightened. She even found her way back home by herself, in the middle of the night where she had earlier wandered off from her mother during a shopping trip.

I don't know what happened to her.

But i know for sure that no one would ever mistake that little girl to be me. Cos I haven't the faintest idea how in the world I've grown up to be such chicken-shit. Really.

I had gone to the dentist yesterday for a consultation and x-ray ever since my wisdom tooth created a hell of a problem. I knew for sure that a surgery was imminent but what I didn't know was that I had to extract all FOUR WISDOM TEETH! Damn! Could things get any worse??

Me : (shocked like hell) WHAT? I thought it was just one tooth.

Dentist : Nope. All four of your third molars are impacted. I advise you to remove all of them as they are compressing against your nerves. Take a look here. (pointing to the x-ray) Your nerves have plunged deeply way below normal.

A fleeting thought had crossed my mind when I first looked at the x-ray of my skull. About how we can or try to be so pretty on the outside, but inside - we all look the same. I don't know why I had thought of something so strange. Freakkky.

Me : (looking all pale-stricken) Oh. Ok. So i'll be alright after the surgery?

Dentist : I have to inform you first about the risk involved in the whole procedure.

Me : (beginning to PANIC) I'm not gonna die right?

Dentist : (smiling really widely) Oh no, you're not. We are gonna have to remove some of the bone mass in your jaw in order to remove the tooth so there's a 15% chance you may not be able to feel your cheek, chin and lips for the next 1 - 3 months.

Today I am still numb.

What? Am i supposed to be relieved that its not some major risk my twisted mind had imagined? I am unsure as to what I should feel. In fact, I think I am already quite terrified at the possibility of not feeling some parts of my face for 3 months.

And the only one thing I'm sure of, is I definitely do not want to feel anything during the surgery so I have opted to be under general anesthesia.

Ah. The chicken-shit that I am. *beams proudly*

Many weird scenarios played in my mind last night. Right after my best friend had teased me about my face bloating up after the whole thing. About eating porridge for 2 weeks. And how its gonna drip all over me cos I won't be able to feel a thing. How i might not even realize porridge is dripping.

"You are so gonna look retarded" she said with glee.

Gee...thanks. With friends like that I sure don't need enemies, do i? Lol.

And so I had let my imagination wander. Just a little bit more. Visualizing someone kiss me and afters I'll go, "You mean you're finished?". *grin*

Am i going a tad too far or is it really THAT bad?

Well, I guess I'll find out soon enough. In 5 weeks time - the HARD WAY.

Stooopid

2006-02-06T13:08:00.000+08:00

I was dreaming of my colleague and 2 mins later I woke up in shock. You know the kind of shock that leaves your heartbeat racing.

Bom. Bom. Bom.

The kind of shock that leaves you gasping for air.

And you sweat profusely as if you've just gotten away from someone chasing you for miles.

Then, came the REAL SHOCK.

Time check. 8.15am.

My eyes popped open.

WHAT? Oh Shit. I'm late for work! I'm supposed to be there at 8am. What am I gonna tell my boss?

"Fuck, fuck, fuck".

"Dammit! Quick, think of a lie".

I scrambled out of bed and stood in front of my wardrobe.

I don't know what to wear. I need a lie. I'm so bloody late.

I fucking hate this!

#!4#&*)*%#@$^&*((%$^(*^@!!^(

And then something told me to check my handphone.

4th Feb 2006.

Then...I realized it.

It was a FREAKING SATURDAY! (nope i dun work on weekends!).

Can you believe that? No I don't!!!

#!4#&*)*%#@$^&*((%$^(*^@!!^(

Gosh! Have you ever felt this stupid in your life?

Of course...i went back to sleep. Duh!

Wisdom comes with GREAT PAIN!

2006-02-03T11:17:00.000+08:00

I have been avoiding the dentist like a plague over the last few years.

Mainly because my teeth are badly stained with cigarette smoke, coffee and i-dunno-what that I am more than a little bit embarrassed to go for a check-up. I mean what if the dentist totally freaked out at the sight of my teeth and says whatever damages in my mouth are totally irrepairable?

This may sound strange but I rather not know than hear anyone say that.

Well anyway, the wisdom tooth erupting its way out at the back of my mouth, left me with no choice but to visit one on Wed. Cos I was suffering from really bad swelling all the way down to my neck.

And guess what? There's nothing wrong with my teeth! Its just removable stains and one impacted wisdom tooth, said the dentist. I was so relieved! All imaginary problems like black fillings and decaying gums disappeared that instance.

She even gave me a complimentary polishing on my front teeth (she must have thought it was so bad) so I can look pretty again. *grin*

Here comes the not-so-good part.

I may have to go for an oral surgery to remove the wisdom tooth. I will only know on Monday after some Xrays and further consultation.

Someone has told me some stories of wisdom tooth surgery.

Imagine swelled up gums that makes you nauseous. Imagine nothing but porridge cos you are not allowed any solid foods. Imagine having a terrible headache like someone nailing your head continously. All that for a week and maybe MORE.

The thought of that makes me very depressed.

Drink. Drank. Drunk.

2006-01-30T03:43:00.000+08:00

It was Friday night and yeah i got drunk....again. Its funny how easily it is to get drunk after a similar episode not so long ago.

But this time round how can I not? After...

3 Tequila Sunrise
2 Vodka Cranberries
2 shots Tequila
2 Long Island Teas
2 Singapore Slings
1 Red Wine
More Vodka Cranberries (I lost count!)

All within 3 hours. Am i such a bad drinker or what?

The guy next to me had asked me if it was my birthday cos he probably saw me happily chugging all the drinks down my throat. Fortunately it wasn't - cos i would want a memorable birthday that I REMEMBER. Well, at least most of it. :)

Anyways I had asked to get drunk so I could forget how terrible the club we were at. As opposed to my frens, I thought it was the shittiest club. EVER. I hated the music. I hated the crowd. I hated everything about it. And I did not want to be selfish and spoil anyone's mood by getting them to get up and go to a place I much rather be at, since I was the only one who hated it. So it was only fair i ~~grin~~ drink and bear it. Right?

Well, after having too many drinks within a short span of time, I started to get snapshots of everything around me. THAT was a red alert for me to stop drinking. So I decided to leave earlier than the rest cos somehow I knew if i stayed any second longer...I was not gonna make it. Morever, I was already starting to doze off - so around 2.30 am i took a taxi home.

And guess what? When i got home I couldn't open the door to my house. Tried as I might I couldn't open the damn door. And i kept thinking "what is wrong with the door" all the while swaying back and forth like a little drunkard. That moment I knew how drunk I was. I did not want to risk falling asleep in front of my doorstep, let alone allow my mom to see me in that condition, so I left.

Its amazing how I managed to walk down afters - a 10-min walk to the roadside to flag a cab. How i had motivated myself with "BIG STEPS. BIG STEPS. You're gonna get there" when I felt like I was gonna collapse anytime. Amazing how I managed to tell the taxi driver directions to a hotel. And later check myself in and pay for everything.

But I couldn't open the door to my own house?

And now i recall how I kept trying a whole bunch of keys when there was only ONE KEY that could open the main door. And all my keys happen to be labelled. The funny things people do when they're drunk. Sigh.

And i thought the whole drama had ended when I got safely to the hotel to sleep. But no - I forgot to tell anyone my whereabouts. So it seemed that everyone of my frens from the previous night searched high and low for me when they realized I didn't get home. They tried calling my mobile but it was off because my stupid phone shuts down conveniently on its own.

Was I kidnapped? Was I sleeping somewhere in the streets? Was I taken advantage of by someone?

So they started calling up other frens to check if I was at their homes. And they had decided if I didn't call any of them by noon - they were gonna conduct a search for me. Thank god I woke up at 11am! Turned on my mobile and saw tons of messages filtering in. And saved us all further dramas. Phew!

When i told my frens what happened, they found my story incredulous. One of them didn't believe I spent the night in a hotel - ALONE. It must have been a night of passion she had insisted. You must have been with someone, she had persisted.

Like how the hell was I gonna have sex if I couldn't even open my own front door?! Damn.

No more drinks for me. Not anytime soon.

Stolen Memory

2006-01-25T12:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I had gone to Vie Bar to catch up with my best friend. It was her birthday and I know that I HAD to go out with her or I'll get killed somewhere along the course of our friendship. I am taking a well-deserved guilt trip here cos I have not been spending time with her.

And over wine, we had reflected on the good old times and the latest happenings in our lives. It always feels good to go out with someone close. Such comfort to be able to just sit back and enjoy effortless conversation. No pretensions. No barriers. Even after so many rough patches.

I also think my best friend secretly enjoys getting me drunk. Because she made me drink more than half a bottle of wine by myself.

And after wine, I had wanted to drink some more. See, the problem with me is that once I drink a little bit more than I should, there's no turning back. I will have the need to get sloshed or I cannot sleep.

So we headed to town and met up with two more friends. More drinks and 2 hours later it was total amnesia for me. I recall scraps here and there.

Like how i had stared into his eyes while he was talking but what was it that he said? No trace of conversations in my head.

Like how we had supper but what in the world did we talk about? I don't remember.

This may sound weird but I imagine my memory to be this white piece of paper, full of black doodles that means something, yet nothing.

How I got myself home is one amazing thing. To manage to undress, remove my make up, and check my email before i hopped on to bed was another. And to not remember any of that is freaking scary. I must have also eaten a cow for supper for I sure as hell felt like one when I woke up!

Today morning one friend tried to fuck with my memory.

"Do you know that you told us you like him"?

"No i did not. I don't like him".

But then again, i'm not so sure. Whether i said that. Whether i like him. Alcohol stolen memory...sucks.

I don't know when was the last time I felt this reckless. Getting sloshed in the mid week. Not giving a damn whether I could get up for work the next day. Living just for the moment.

And for some strange reason, it felt good.

Baaad Behaviour - jive version

2006-01-24T02:33:00.000+08:00

If you have trouble understanding this Jive version, then read the original version. Then maybe ya' kin dig it whut ah' am sayin'. LOL.

* * *

I's gots'ta be so's bloody angry. Slap mah fro! You's know de kind'a anga' dat makes ya' feel likes ya' wanna chop sucka's down?

I hate it when mah' goathomeys o' any sucka dear t'me make 'suses fo' deir partner's baaaad behaviour. Ah be baaad...To me baaaad behaviour be BAD BEHAVIOUR. Dat be all dere be to it. Man! And nodin' mo'e. And whut do ah' mean by dat?

She went drough an abo'shun. And ha' boyhomey wuz at crib sleepin'. ah' duzn't deny dat she knows how irresponsible dat dude wuz t'not be dere fo' her. Ah be baaad...

But den she said "Dere wuz many times we wuz supposed t'meet - and he dun didn't turn down cos he fell asleep. Jes hang loose, brud. ah' can dig it."

Whut? Sappnin'? Did ah' hear ya' right? She wuz unconsciously makin' 'suses fo' ha' boyhomey. And it gots me dinkin'. Is dat whut love do t'sucka's?

Den ah' rada' not be in love. ah' rada' not be lied to. 'S coo', bro. ah' rada' not be cheated. ah' RATHER NOT be deceived. ah' mean why would ah' choose t'hurt mah'self? It plum duzn't make sense.

I'm so's sick uh hearin' tons uh excuses made down. By her. Ah be baaad... By oda' homeys. Sick and tired.

"Maybe he dun didn't mean dose doodads he said cos he wuz drunk".

"Maybe he hit me cos he wuz angry".

"Dree weeks. Maybe he dun didn't call me cos he wuz busy".

"We've been togeda' fo' five years. And he gots'ta find some betta' job".

"I know he's gonna leave his mama".

Ya-da. Ya-da.

Bollocks t'all uh dat. Man! I'm not even gonna say nuthin t'any uh dat. Man! In de fust place - ah' duzn't even have some right t'be so's angry! Right on!

Ha. ah' need some drink. Ya' know? ah' seriously need t'calm waaay down.

* * * De End * * *

Well. I sound like a black woman don't I? Ha, you can too. With the Dialectizer, you can sound like a redneck, even a MORON. Literally.

Yes i'm not kiddin! Go check this out. And show me some shit. *wink*

Bad Behaviour

2006-01-24T01:00:00.000+08:00

I am so bloody angry. You know the kind of anger that makes you feel like you wanna chop people up?

I hate it when my girlfriends or anyone dear to me make excuses for their partner's bad behaviour.To me bad behaviour is BAD BEHAVIOUR. That is all there is to it. And nothing more. And what do i mean by that?

She went through an abortion. And her boyfriend was at home sleeping. I don't deny that she knows how irresponsible that guy was to not be there for her.

But then she said "There were many times we were supposed to meet - and he didn't turn up cos he fell asleep. I can understand."

What? Hello? Did i hear you right? She was unconsciously making excuses for her boyfriend. And it got me thinking. Is that what love do to people?

Then I rather not be in love. I rather not be lied to. I rather not be cheated. I RATHER NOT be deceived. I mean why would I choose to hurt myself? It just doesn't make sense.

I'm so sick of hearing tons of excuses made up. By her. By other friends. Sick and tired.

"Maybe he didn't mean those things he said cos he was drunk".

"Maybe he hit me cos he was angry".

"Three weeks. Maybe he didn't call me cos he was busy".

"We've been together for five years. And he will find a better job".

"I know he's gonna leave his wife".

Ya-da. Ya-da.

Bollocks to all of that. I'm not even gonna say anything to any of that. In the first place - I don't even have a right to be so angry!

Ha. I need a drink. I seriously need to calm down.

Hospitals

2006-01-22T01:46:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole of today morning in a hospital. Accompanying a friend for her abortion. Her boyfriend had promised to turn up but he didn't.

Later, I found out that he was at home sleeping.

I had found it immensely disturbing. If your partner was going through a difficult period like this, would your conscience have allowed you to sleep? Oh no, it was apparent he was a man without conscience. He didn't exhibit one. Needless to say, action speaks louder than words.

And in between wafting in and out of drug induced sleep, she had cried. Out of anger. Out of sadness. Out of emptiness. Out of...disappointment? And it had been painful to watch - especially when I completely understood her raging mix of emotions.

I never like being in hospitals. I constantly dread accompanying people or visiting anyone. Even when I know that its not always about how I feel, but how my presence could make other people feel. I was glad I could be there for her. To be her pillar of strength.

But still i hate hospitals.

Maybe its the smell of antiseptic that hangs in the air. The sight of tear-stained faces. The heavy silence that awaits hesitant healing.

And maybe because, as always, something inside me stirs. Bringing back a flood of memories. And I am reminded, that I too, have a past.

I am Jes Bond. And I don't always like what I discover.

2006-01-19T00:16:00.000+08:00

I'd be lying if i said i didn't have the intention of looking for her blog. Because I was. But not in the way I have searched for other blogs. Not like the many hours I would have spent trying to dig out blogs of colleagues, or just about anyone that interests me.

Why? Because I find it thrilling to discover things about people. Like some sort of a magic spell.

But hers. Hers was different. Hers had been a momentary spin. A quick attempt that I had not put so much thought into. An almost subtle try-your-luck gamble at the table - you either win or you didn't. I had tried her user id i saw on my MSN list - and added blogspot.com to it.

And bingo - I had found her blog.

Bit by bit, her life spilled before me. With each entry, I grew more fascinated. And tried as I might to get off the page, i couldn't. I kept on reading, an invisible force pulling and beckoning me to get to know the person I didn't know exist.

I was reading about her deep dark secrets. Her fantasies that she had kept hidden beneath her cool exterior. She had always been so poised. So...normal.

Then I saw it. The words she had written.

"Without any warning, she appear in my life. Is she the one? Can she be the one? Dear god, don't break my heart more than it already is broken. Cos she makes my heart jump. Maybe this is what love is all about".*

Blink. Blink. More words.

"I am so crazy about her. No matter how much we talk, I can't seem to get enough of her. She is someone special to me and will always be."*

What?

Oh. My. God. She's a lesbian? Why didn't I see it?

My mind became a whirl, of pressing questions that needed answers. In my mind's eye, flashback scenes in 2005 played back like a movie. Taunting me, drawing me in.

She had always given me a lift to everywhere I needed to be. I was after all the stranger in a foreign land. She had taken the time to show me around the city.

Was she as nice to everyone? I wonder.

We had a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant till very late. Deep conversations over martinis. Afterwards we sat in her car and I had rattled on and on about the kind of men I wanted to date.

Had she been disappointed? I wonder.

I had on a few occasions hugged her. Well because I hug all friends that I like. And she was one of them, no different from any other.

Did she like me touching her? I wonder.

Because the last entry in her blog was sometime in 2004 - before I met her. And i thank God. I really thank God that it was not her latest blog I found.

Because as much as i wondered about the things i didn't know, as much as I sat down in bed and pondered - they were the very same things I didn't want to know.

At least not those in year 2005!

*phrases written by her has been rephrased to protect her identity, especially from similar crazy bloggers like Jes Bond.

Most bloggers are assholes

2006-01-16T20:38:00.000+08:00

Found this here and along with other good stuff.

Sales people can be morons

2006-01-13T17:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i get really annoyed with sales people. No offence to any salesperson reading this - just that I can never find a salesperson thats balanced enough - in terms of providing customer service and exclusive selling techniques. There's always two extremes, none of which I'm in favour.

Today i was at V.Hive in Funan IT mall looking around for some office furniture. And it was my misfortune to come into contact with one particular salesperson. You know, the kind who can't wait to get out of your face before you even started. The kind who glares silently each time you ask a question, as though its a start to never ending questions. The kind who obviously do not even want to be there. Then quit you stupid fuck. These were the words screaming silently in my head. Why pass on bad service to other people?

He was obviously disinterested to serve me and answered my questions in monosyllables. And before I even finished, he had walked away. And i too, chose to walk out of the store. Why am I so upset, i hear you ask? Cos my company (which immediately translates to me) buy loads of furniture from them and at the rate we are expanding, we might as well buy over their store and make them our furniture division. And imagine the kind of experience he left me with? He had the cheek. The bastard.

There's also another bunch of sales people who try too hard to sell. By this i mean sales people who think I shit money - and they can't wait to get their hands on it. I walk in my favourite clothings store and these people are all over me - shoving clothes in my face. Clothes that i don't even wanna try.

I mean whats up with that? If i am interested, i will buy. If not, i won't. They don't have to molest me, right? Period.

It's one big CHILL

2006-01-11T01:02:00.000+08:00

Its been raining like hell here the last couple of days. I haven't seen the sun in two days.

Cold winds sweeping around Asia are the apparent cause for the heavy rainfalls, they said.

Three more days to go before the rain stops, i had read in the papers.

I wanted to bitch about how I had slipped and fallen in the rain. My knee still hurts like crazy.

I had wanted to write about how I have been cooped up at home because going out in the heavy rain is too much of a hassle. And how much I hate going to work when the cold weather is just about perfect for an afternoon nap.

But never mind. Really.

Cos it just occured to me how lucky Singapore is compared to its neighbouring countries like Malaysia and Indonesia who are currently experiencing floods and landslides. Will we always be so lucky? And worse still - countries such as India, China and Korea are battered with heavy snowfall - such raging cold, that hundreds have died.

No, I dare not complain. I am warm. I am dry. I am safe. How can I complain when I am blessed?

I turn on my telly, and I see mothers crying. They have lost their children. Families huddled closely around bonfires, hoping to survive the night. And children...little children wandering around - looking so forlorn. And my heart breaks.

What is happening to the world?

First, a tsunami attack that killed hundred thousands of people. Then Hurricane Katrina murdering thousands and causing damages in billions. Next Kashmir earthquake taking with it tens of thousands lives. And now extreme weather in Asia - god knows how many more will perish. These natural disasters are seriously starting to freak me out. Not to mention, terrorist attacks and wars.

And i wonder, what next? Is the world really coming to an end?

Celebrity Lookalikes

2006-01-09T00:14:00.000+08:00

If you have some time on your hands, go check out this celebrity lookalike site.

Basically, its a face recognition site where all you need to do is upload your picture and some amazing technology through the use of algorithms, detects your facial similarities with the faces of celebrities stored in their database.

Its really cool and I spent hours just playing with their stuff. I tried out all the different pictures I have, with and without make-up, just so I could see which celebrities I matched.

And i had a couple of good laughs when I tried out some pictures of friends - some of their faces could not be recognized as human faces. Lol. Of course i'm being silly -most likely its the angle of which the picture was taken. Pretty fun. :)

And in case you're wondering, most of the time it says I look like....

Isabella Rosellini

Kareena Kapoor

Moran Atias

Kate Winslet

Beyonce Knowles

Hilary Duff

Rani Mukherjee

Yes thats how much time I've got on my hands. Have a go at it ya'll. And tell me all about it.

Blonde Jokes

2006-01-08T04:35:00.000+08:00

Blonde Jokes can be hilarious....but this one seriously tops them all! Go check it out!

New Year & KL Trip

2006-01-05T23:58:00.000+08:00

I know i'm a little late on this, but happy new year guys!

I've been pretty flat out the last couple of days, hence the late posting. Yea, flat out with watching TV, lazing around, reading other people's blogs - my idea of being occupied.

But thats good news - at least for me. Cos 3 months ago, I didn't have the luxury of enjoying the simple things in life. I was overworked, unhappy - now with a new job that pays more and one that allows me to leave on time - I've got nothing to complain about, have I?

In the blink of an eye, its 2006. What are your resolutions this year? For me, i have stopped making them. Because they don't work. Instead, I'm going to create a vision - just like this guy. This somehow reminds me of Habit 2# from the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey - Always begin with the end in mind. Makes a whole lot of sense to me.

My new year celebration was different. Instead of sticking around in boring old Singapore, my friends and I went to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (KL). And unlike other 'normal' people who took the coach, we opted for the train instead. The plan had been to go 'rugged' and be more adventuresome. I had also been mildly accused of being a tai-tai*, therefore I took it in my stride to prove them wrong. That I was not a tai-tai. That i was adventurous and i could go rugged - like anyone else. So i had booked everyone on third class so that we could all suffer! *evil laughter*

But I had stopped laughing when I saw the train.

Boy, it scared the shit out of me.

The train ride was an 8-hour long miserable disaster. I nearly died. The bulk of the problem had been one stoopid bitch who sat next to me with smelly feet. Yes, smelly feet that were so nauseating i had slept with my neck arched towards the aisle. It felt like her feet were right under my nose! I was close to murdering her bcos the train was full and I had no way of swapping seats. My friends had looked pale, and one of them had motion sickness. It was plain torture. The death train went on rattling, swaying and banging its way violently into KL, and finally, after 8 hours, we arrived.

Got out of the frying pan, only to be thrown back into the fire.

Because Hotel Brisdale had at first looked promising - on the outside. Initially I couldn't believe our luck for i thought it was a 'rugged' hotel so I was secretly pleased with myself that I did not have to endure any more crap. Little did i know the events that were to unfold.

The washroom had tiny cockroaches that refused to die - even after i had sprayed them with tons of water - basically, attempts to drown the little bastards failed miserably. And the toilet flushes and transports you into some kinda warzone at the same time cos the pipes sounded like machine guns blasted in the air. Not forgetting to mention the leaks, thereafter.

And the hotel view - I had asked for a nice view. This is what I got.

Sigh. I remember standing at the window for 10 mins trying to digest the "nice" view - and everything else that came with it. Inside my head were just three words "oh my god", repetitively pounding in my head, till they became one - a splitting headache. Enough said.

Later part of the day, I managed to get some shopping done and dined out in Nando's, a nice peri peri restaurant.

At night, we went to Rum Jungle one of the hippiest clubs in town, for the countdown.

There were fireworks, lots of booze, and I made some new friends. But i couldn't really enjoy myself as I had caught a cold - but it was definitely one of the more pleasant memories during the trip.

We went home on Aeroline a luxury coach. I'm sure I heard everyone breathe sighs of relief - that i didn't book them a return on the train from hell.

Aeroline is this luxury coach obsessed with the idea of flights. So they have things like seatbelts to protect you from falling of your seat incase the coach "ever takes flight". And stewards to serve you light refreshments.

The food does not look appetizing eh? Because it tastes terrible. Period.

But it was a relaxing journey home - comfortable leather seats, warm blankets, scents of hot chocolate in the air. Perfect.

And after all the ~~trauma~~ drama, it feels really good to be home.

*tai-tai means a middle-aged woman who lives off her rich husband and spends her time shopping with socialites like herself and wears lots of bling-bling.

P.S: I'm no tai-tai cos I'm still young, single and have no bling bling! *big-hint*

Sushi, anyone?

2005-12-29T11:48:00.000+08:00

I'm sure everyone of us must have eaten sushi at least once in our lives. I'm not the biggest sushi fan cos basically I can't stomach anything raw. But I love the ones with crab and scallop. Yummy.

I can imagine dabbing a piece of sushi generously in soy sauce. And wasabe...how can i not mention wasabe? Just a tiny dab of it on your tongue and you can feel the tingling sensation that travels up your nose passageways. And like an orgasmic explosion - your head feels like its gonna blow off. A mind blowing experience - literally.

Have you ever wondered about the correct behaviour in a sushi-ya*? Whether you're eating sushi the right way? The different types of sushi - even when everything looks the same?

I came across this funny sushi video and was very amused by it. Then again, I'm easily amused. I also wonder if the footwear part is true.

Hmmmmmm....if it is, i guess i'll never look at sushi the same way again.

*a japanese restaurant that specializes in sushi

Nostalgia

2005-12-27T02:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when i look back, i laugh at how silly we both were to fight. But its too late now...a little too late for regrets.

I never liked him the first time i saw him. I had found him arrogant, boastful even, and a typical MCP.

He's smart, has a good job, maybe a tad too proud for my tastebuds. But above all, we were 'different' culturally, maybe thats why i never looked at him that way. Then, i got to know him better. And I found him interesting to hang out with. He always gave me a different perspective. I liked him...but not that way.

Whenever we went out, there was this sense of comfort. Maybe it was because we could relate on various topics. There's always good laughter. Deep, meaningful conversations over wine. The familiarity of connecting effortlessly.

There was also a certain kind of excitement that hung in the air whenever he was near. He was always so composed, it fuelled my curiosity as to what laid underneath. And i could only wonder. About his prolonged gaze into my eyes. Of him standing too close for my comfort. His touch leaving me warmth in funny places.

He had hurt me on a few occasions, and i had forgiven him. Because he had aplogized. Because he was a gentleman. Because they were small things. Except that one time. He had stirred a rage inside of me. And everything had shattered, into a thousand fragments, impossible to mend.

Today i thought about him. Just as i had on other days. Whenever it rains. Whenever I'm sad. Whenever i'm nostalgic about people I've lost. I had thought about our conversations on MSN. Of his stories during our late night phonecalls. His practicality. Him laughing at himself.

And I miss him. But he doesn't have to know.

Christmas Funnies

2005-12-25T03:19:00.000+08:00

This is the not the usual x'mas greeting, but i thought it was pretty funny.

Enjoy this hokkien version.

Merry Christmas all...have a good one! :)

Tempted to dance

2005-12-21T21:52:00.000+08:00

I don't know why, but everytime i hear this song (click play button to hear song) I'll be tempted to dance. Right that very minute. It happens each time I walk home from work as I'll be listening to my Ipod Shuffle. The moment this song starts playing, my normal walk suddenly becomes bouncy, my hips sway from side to side - and i look like a moron. I can't help it - i guess that is what reggae does to me. This song is a typical reggaeton beat but what makes it special is the hindi remix. Not sure if Mirame does the same to you. Enough said.

...

Today i tried a new recipe...err...2 recipes to be precise. I have a tendency to pick out the best stuff in both recipes and create something of my own. Today my creation is - chicken & prawn pasta! Well, it turned out really good - according to my tastebuds.

Awesome. The next thing i need to do now is - get married. :)

Psychology of Smoking

2005-12-20T17:11:00.000+08:00

Smoking is fun, and if it weren't harmful to my health i would have been smoking as I blog this entry. But i am not, bcos lately, I've been experiencing the shortness in breath, how easily i tire and chest pains to signal that i might die soon. REAL soon. Not forgetting the stains on my teeth - they are an ugly reminder that I am a smoker.

At this point, I have been on "cold-turkey" for the past 13 days. And let me tell you, i feel like I'm on pins. Just 5 mins ago, i was imagining myself smoking and it felt so real. I was battling with my inner self whether i should just go out and buy myself a pack of Marlboro Menthol. Instead, i popped a sweet in my mouth. It then somewhat occurred to me that maybe people don't quit smoking because they don't like how they'll feel not smoking. I am a living example who tells you this now - believe me, abstination is a terrible feeling.

I realized saying no to cigarettes has somehow altered my life. Bit by bit, these changes take shape.

I used to go out and take all the smoke breaks in the world. And after food, i'll be full and contented smoking my life away. Smoking has always been an excuse for me to relax, to take "that break", to get away from work for that small amount of time. Don't you find it "weird" to take a walk instead? In my world, nobody in their right mind - simply walks! These days i sit in my chair and stare into space. And after food, I stare at my colleagues. They in turn stare back at me. Because nobody smokes you see. Besides its too abrupt to immediately get up after finishing your meal.

Smoking is like a reward for myself after accommplishing something, be it the completion of assignment or even a minor task like eating dinner. Once i'm done, i'll smoke. I also believe smoking is an adult version of our childhood habits. When we're kids, we always get to munch something such as lollipops, chocolates or sweets, its simply an oral pleasure.

Smoking is also akin to a time indicator - whether i'm finished or need to get started on something. I'm going to miss saying "Lets smoke one more before we go" and "I'm finished with stuff, lets puff". They're like the famous smoker's line.

With a cigarette, i also realize I'm never alone. I'm not being dramatic here but a cigarette is like a good friend that never goes away. Nobody ever tells you when you walk into a room "You look upset. Did you fight with your cigarette?" Never. Thats because you don't have any disagreements with your cigarette. Its a friend, that makes it bearable when someone is late. A companion, while waiting for someone in a club. A weapon, to hurt someone when you're pissed off. All the qualities you find in a good friend.

I also think smoking is always associated with some memory. Maybe its because when one is smoking, one is always thinking. Do you remember the first cigarette you had? I do. My uncle didn't finish his cigarette and i sort of - helped. :) I also remember one time i sat down with my best friend and we smoked a pack of cigarettes within 15 mins. We were obviously not crazy - that was just our way of dealing with trauma. Doesn't smoking help everyone to relax?

I love leaning back on my sofa, legs stretched out, blowing my troubles away. Such fulfilment to smoke and think of nothing. Watching swirls of smoke itself is a fascination. The art of blowing rings of smoke one after another, its only something smokers will understand.

I find it weird that my girlfriend smokes Marlboro Lights. I mean who in their right mind would smoke such awful cigarettes? Belch. But i realized cigarette taste has to be acquired. I remember vividly it was only after smoking 5 sticks of Semporna that i thought it tasted alright. That is obviously an advantage for tobacco companies cos it takes longer for a smoker to switch brands. The real reason for "brand loyalty".

Tough job ain't it? With all these reasons that serve as justification why people continue to smoke. Not for me. i mean I would love to smoke NOW...but i am going to be good. I am going to resist. After all, there are all these chocolates on my table that need eating.

Gonna miss you baby.

Sleepless Sunday

2005-12-19T01:59:00.000+08:00

Sigh...another sleepless sunday.

I hate it when i can't sleep on sundays. Thats cos my body clock gets messed up as I tend to sleep late hours on Fri and Sat. This weekend's not too bad really. Spent quite a bit of time catching up with friends aside from the ocassional dramas that kept all of us busy.

Everyone hanged out at my place and watched Legally Blonde on TV. Then we watched a Hindi Blockbuster Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. And because its a sad movie somebody had to cry. Boo Hoo.

Back to what i was saying...I really hate sundays. Cos whenever I can't get to sleep, i always wake up late for work. That just...sucks.

Was surfing around and found this shirt.

Pray not, but I was imagining someone asking me "Why did they fire you?"

And me saying "I couldn't sleep on Sunday, so I blogged. And bcos I slept late i couldn't wake up on time. So i got to work late. And they got tired of my shit, so i got fired." Blogging = Fired

Well hell...i better go off now. Laters.

Home on a saturday night

2005-12-18T02:50:00.000+08:00

Nothing beats hanging out at home on a saturday night.

Not when you have apple-blackcurrant juice (which i pretend is wine) and Sara Lee super rich chocolate pound cake for company.

Not that I cannot afford wine of course, just that i'm saving this baby for my xmas party with the gals.

Nice? I purchased it when I was in KL the last time round (I actually declared tax for it out of guilt, how silly of me!). It's a 2 year old french wine, still pretty young, but I'll know if its a good buy once i give it a try!

Its gonna be real exciting - the next 2 weeks...can't wait for the xmas party. We are gonna have a big one - first heading to Wine Network for their xmas buffet dinner and most likely to Ministry of Sound to party afters. The opening was held yesterday - its the talk of town, so all the more reason to check it out.

And for new year, we'll be in KL. There'll be loads of partying, shopping and some good socializing cos I'll get to meet some of my ex-colleagues when I'm there. So am really looking forward to it.
So much excitment ahead and I can't barely wait!

Interview Drama

2005-12-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

[Listening to: Our Day Will Come - Jamie Cullum - Catching Tales (03:55)]

Two days ago, Singapore Institute of Commerce (SIC) called me up for an interview. It was for the post of Admin & HR Manager. It seemed i applied sometime back in October and they asked if i was keen to explore some opportunities.

So being the restless one, and bored at work because i currently have nothing much to do, i decided to go for the interview yesterday. I was mildly interested because it was a HR position...again...and frankly whenever i'm bored strange ideas come to my head. But what genuinely sparked my interest was...why would an organization with more than 100 staff, be interested to hire a young girl like me to be a manager? So i decided to find out.

Armed with a powerful resume, i had plans to take them by storm. My interview appointment was at 5.30pm. I arrived on time and filled out an application form.

Reason for leaving current employment : Bored
Reason for leaving previous employment : Overworked

I noticed hordes of people trudging in an out of the main entrance, and i felt a little conscious of the numerous stares i got. I pretended to be invisible and continued people-watching. Minutes ticked by and I got restless. Minutes ticked s l o w l y.

T i c k. T o ck. T i c k. T o c k. And i was already starting to feel the beginnings of agitation....

Time check : 6:15pm. 45 minutes wait. What is wrong with these people, i thought.

Then a lady came to me and told me she had been there for more than an hour. I gulped. The thought of having to wait longer certainly did not appeal to me. Then i quietly asked if she was there for the same position. Apparently she was, which was totally fine by me, but not the next thing she said. "My appointment is at 5.30pm". Also. I wasn't at all pleased. And thats when i felt my blood rush to my temples, and i got up - marched directly to where the receptionist was sitting to give her a piece of my not so nice mind.

"Let the VP know thats its been an hour, and its ridiculous to keep someone waiting if she cannot make it" I said.

Shifty eyes. Nervous smiles. More waiting. Many more minutes later the VP's secretary came out and she passed me thrice, each time saying Sorry 5 minutes. I also found out the VP's name was Cenobia. And from that instance onwards, her name hung in the air, mouthed by many people buzzing in and out of that office. She seemed important and very impressive from the way her name rolled out from everyone's tongue.

But I was not impressed, certainly not. Because Cenobia-whatever-her-last-name-was did not have the courtesy to cancel the interview when she could not make it. She made everyone wait for her at the expense of their time.

The secretary came finally, with news that really surprised me. "The VP has attended another meeting, and she'll be available only at 7.00pm." I raised my eyebrows and said "I have an appointment at 7pm and i cannot wait any longer. If she cannot meet me now, I would like to leave please".

"Hold on, i'll check with her again" she said.

She came back 5 minutes later, and before she said anything i stood up. I somehow knew what she was going to say before i heard it.

"Can we call you back another day? If its ok with you," she said.

"No. You fixed an appointment at 5.30pm. And after making me wait for over an hour, you decide that it is convenient to ask me to come back another day. It simply shows poor time management on your VP's part and the lack of respect she has for other people's time. I don't think i would want to work for such a company". I said.

"Sorry, sorry" she said, stunned, and that was all i heard because I had turned and walked. And i was not planning to turn back. Not even once.

As i walked, i thought. Cenobia had turned me away, without even seeing my face. I doubt she even knew my name. But i'll remember hers. Yesterday i came in as a candidate for a job interview. Tomorrow...i may be a potential client investing tens of thousands in their degree programmes. But i may not now, because that is the kind of experience she has left me with...and i doubt anything can change that.

Footprints in the sand

2005-12-14T23:12:00.000+08:00

This is where i'm gonna blog from today. Don't ask me why.

Just needed a change.

I'm calling it footprints in the sand as it represents the footsteps one takes in life's journey.

I want to walk down memory lane and see all the deep imprints i've left behind.
This is my journey. And these will be my foorprints.

What footprints will you leave?